June, 2022.
I just read Katherine Woodward-Thomas’s book of this title. Oddly it hadn’t occurred to me to read it before now as I navigate my second conscious uncoupling process with my partner of 5 years.
The first time I did this was in 2009/2010, around the time she published her book. I wish I’d thought of the title myself. In fact my husband of 23 years and I actually worked through a conscious process of winding up a life together, selling assets and all that it involves.
I initiated this, really having no idea what it was supposed to look like, just that I wanted to remain on good terms, as did he, and continue to co-parent our then 18-year-old son. I was determined it was not going to turn into a ‘bun-fight’ as so frequently happens so we agreed to provide emotional support for each other and to have weekly ‘check-ins’ along with negotiating who gets what as fairly as possible.
We even managed a final wedding anniversary just before we parted, mostly as a process to honour the years we had together.
I’m not going to pretend it wasn’t still very hard. Home, money, strong feelings and disappointments along with the desire to ensure we each get our fair share provide ample ground for disagreement.
I share this with you now, dear reader as I cannot overstate the importance of this process where it is AT ALL possible. It aids healing enormously and allows space for each partner to retain dignity and move towards what is new and sometimes pretty scary with some sense of equilibrium.
My recent experience was much more intense having had a volatile relationship with a wonderful man for a good chunk of my life. He introduced me to another (updated) version of myself. I had grown exponentially in those years in many ways and in that time my heart cracked open. Turns out it lets in more light so it was with a respect and heartfulness grown out of love for each other that we were able to say goodbye last week.
Love, it seems, is not always enough to guarantee life-time partnerships but it doesn’t prevent us from remaining friends if we choose to do this.
I would be honoured to work with those of you who have done the work and still cannot make that journey together so you can begin the repair work on your own hearts before launching into the next stage of life.
I can also recommend the book Unconscious Coupling. It’s a good guide in the moments where you may be experiencing ‘The Dark Night of The Soul’ and all the other feelings involved in such a decision.