June 27, 2022

June, 2022

Have I done enough? 

Have I done too much? 

Can I love this person again?  Do I still love them?  How do I know this?

Were we ever ‘right’ together?  Or was it just infatuation or familiarity or maybe both of us just pretending not to notice the cracks.

When did this dissonance begin?  Was it that holiday?  Too many ruptures and inadequate attempts to repair? Or maybe we were just sweeping our differences under the carpet?

How does he feel about me?  More importantly, how do I feel about him?  Do I need to hide or compromise parts of myself in order to have a peaceful life with him?  Must he do the same? 

If we were to break up, how painful will that be?  Can I tolerate this?  Or will I crack right open and become dysfunctional.  Or maybe I’ll stuff it down like I did last time and carry on regardless, crying myself to sleep and feeling deep, deep loneliness?

Am I not lonely now?  Yes!  Finally, an answer!

I care about her enough to not want to hurt her?  I feel like I keep preparing myself for an ending and know I am barely available to her.  Her attempts to come closer repel me.  I can’t stand myself and how I pull away from her.  I know it hurts her; I see it in her eyes although she pretends not to notice.

I am exquisitely aware of his presence, his every move even though he is in another part of the house.  Much of what he does annoys me.  This is irrational so why am I so sensitive to this?

Is my body trying to tell me it is really over and I just need to be brave enough to navigate through this with him/her to reduce as much harm as possible?  The thought of ending the relationship is frightening. 

What if I am alone forever?  What if our separation causes her/him enormous unhappiness.  Can we be friends after?  What does that look like?

Am I any good at relationships?  Maybe I want too much…too many things to align in accordance with my expectations?  I raise these expectations, thinking it is a reasonable thing to discuss and I’m met with defensiveness or passivity.  It is really hard to engage with these complex conversations.  Especially when I feel so uncertain.  Am I being completely unreasonable or is she/he gaslighting? 

The intensity of this torment becomes hard to bear.  Should I just collapse through the levels and admit defeat?  Just call it off! Then we can get on with the business of separating and finding our new normal.

Or…shall we give it another try?  Have I really tried hard enough to understand him/her? 

Is it about our childhood trauma’s clashing?

Can we not sustain a strong relationship because we are too wounded?  Is it her/him or me?

Can we help each other heal or are we exposing ourselves to more wounding?

Am I taking responsibility for my stuff?  Is he/she?

Musings of a confused client.

Regardless of the kind of relationship you have or even the length of it, these questions often arise in one form or another when there are relationship troubles.  They can just keep looping without relief in your mind.

We are putting much greater expectations on our primary relationships than any other time in history.  Our expectations of ourselves and others can be crushed under the weight of trying to get it right.

There are tools for breaking these stalemates!